This is going to be a hard blog to write. But being an actress will require me to have a strong commitment to emotional truth. So here goes.
Misguided or unfocused ambition wasn’t the only thing getting in the way of my desire to pursue acting as a career. Something much more painful an embarrassing was holding me back. This thing affected so many areas of my life and I’m still learning how to move past it. What was it? Well, if I were going to be “Hollywood” about this I would never bring it up in the first place. But the truth is I suffered from cystic acne since I was 12 years old.
Oh, so what, right? Everybody has skin problems growing up… right? Well, this was brought on by a chemical/hormone imbalance that made things only get worse the older I got. So there was never any “growing out of it” like “normal people” do. And this wasn’t just break outs. They were severely raised, very painful, and completely impossible to cover up. I didn’t want people looking at me and I certainly didn’t want people touching me/my face. Not only was it degrading and embarrassing, but it really was painful to the touch.
[Not to insert an ad or anything, but I wrote in-depth on my experience and what I did to heal myself in THIS booklet. Read some of the reviews that people have left for me… I have cried so hard with a smile on my face because of them.]
I want to be an actress. I want it more than anything else. It’s all I’ve ever truly wanted to do. But I never believed I could really do it… because my face was so messed up. I honestly didn’t think I could ever be an actress because my face looked like a war zone. I felt ugly and diseased. So I hung out on the sidelines, on the production side of filmmaking, always wishing I could be on the other side of the camera but never believing I could.
Only more recently did I finally find a solution/treatment for myself. Apple Cider Vinegar. There’s my big secret. I drink some Apple Cider Vinegar in grape juice once or twice a day. Any now I don’t have cystic acne outbreaks. But my mind/beliefs haven’t caught up with my new reality. When I get complimented for how I look I have to make myself believe it. To accept it. To realize… I could actually do this now. I could actually be an actress now… It still feels surreal.
For over half my life I have tried to hide my face. Putting on make-up was painful both physically and mentally (not to mention, I’m such a tomboy I still don’t really know what I’m doing). I have to un-learn this habit. And I have to learn how to do make-up without feeling like it’s should make me not get noticed.
So, to finally get to the title point of this blog entry, when you see me post a “selfie” on Instagram… that is me making a conscious choice NOT to hide. That’s me learning how to be okay having my picture taken and then posting it for the world to see. Taking a “selfie” is how I’m learning not to (sorry for the blunt truth here) hate my face.
I’m not looking for attention for affection. Honestly, I still don’t know what to do with it anyway. I just need to call it out so I can take control of it. Someone once told me that my posting “selflies” makes me seem narcissistic. It hurt me deeper than if someone would’ve just told me I’m unattractive. The no-filter, no-photoshop, less-than-glamorous-truth is: I’m still learning not to hate myself. Posting “selfies” is my homework.
Anyway. I like to give my blogs an edge of inspiration (at least for myself). So let me conclude here in saying that I’m winning this battle. I’ve already done the impossible and “cured” my cystic acne. Now I just have to make myself believe that I can truly have the thing I’ve aways wanted. I can go after my dream, because nothing is stopping me now.